My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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