I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
