if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I won the penis lottery.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
