she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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