please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
