I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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