I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
