umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
