youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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