she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
