I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
