You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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