I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
