I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
