New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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