Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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