Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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