If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
