Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
