I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
