Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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