Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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