i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
