my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
