Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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