my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
