Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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