Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
