I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
