So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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