Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
