im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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