I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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