I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
