if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
