dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
