Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
