so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
