please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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