yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
