If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
