Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
