I am spending my child support on dildos
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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