Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
