my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
