1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
