dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
