his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
