im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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