Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
