The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
